A Surprising Realisation
A few months back, I heard something in a medical context that I hadn’t up to this point in my life. I’m well into my late 50s now, so I suppose it’s something I’m going to have to start getting used to. When discussing options for correction with my optometrist, he used the phrase, “Well, Trevis, at your age…” What-the-What?! At my age? How did I get there all of a sudden? Wasn’t I just 21 last year?
MS: Approaching Middle Age
I was diagnosed with MS in 2001 at the age of 35. I’d experienced symptoms that my neurological team and I attribute to multiple sclerosis for at least 15 years prior to my diagnosis. That makes my MS nearing middle age. It shouldn’t have surprised me to hear my eye doctor talking about my advancing years in relation to my health. Shouldn’t have, but it surely did.
Feeling Older Than My Years
Perhaps it was a case of “the lady doth protest too much, methinks,” in that I’ve felt like I’ve lived in a much older body than my years would suggest due to this thief of a disease. I had to medically retire from my career far before my time. I’ve dealt with physical manifestations of the disease that members of my parents’ generation are just now experiencing. I’ve had to give up some of the things that I loved doing while my aged cohort continues doing them—and getting better at other things—while I decline in my ability to do them at all.
From Thrive to Survive
I spend real and metaphoric time on the sidelines and in the stands watching the games of life at which I used to excel and succeed. I have gone, as an old friend put it, “from thrive to survive.” Please don’t get me wrong here. This isn’t some sort of pity-fest that I’ve organised and invite you to attend. It’s more a matter-of-fact observation of where my physical life leans relative to where it likely would stand were it not for MS.
Pragmatism and Perspective
I’m a pragmatist when it comes to most things in life and all things MS in my life. It doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me. There are things that I can do, and there are things I cannot. But there is a difference, in my book of life, between cannot and can't.
Cannot v's Can't
- I cannot go far
That doesn’t mean I “can’t go.” - I cannot go fast
That doesn’t mean I “can’t go.” - I cannot run
That doesn’t mean I “can’t walk.” - I cannot walk
That does not mean I “can’t get there.” - I cannot feel
That does not mean I “can’t be touched.” - Because I cannot work
That does not mean I “can’t contribute.” - Though I cannot climb mountains
That doesn’t mean I “can’t rise to the top.” - I cannot do it quickly
That is different from “I can’t do it.” - Because I cannot remember the last time
That doesn’t mean I “can’t experience something new.” - That I cannot without a struggle
That doesn’t mean I “can’t find joy.” - I cannot do many things the way I used to
That’s not to say I “can’t do them.” - Just because I cannot quickly, on command, without preparation or consequences
Please don’t think that I “can’t…”
Wisdom Through Experience
Maybe I've also attained some of the wisdom of those older than me as I've also kept up with them in physical (and dare I say cognitive) decline. Perhaps it's that, while I give MS no credit for teaching me anything,I've been a good student along the way. Then again, it might just be that writing about MS for over 18 years of my life with the disease, I have come to understand that the place I was, the place I will be, and the place I might be on the ever-changing timeline of MS progression is far, far less important than the place I am right now.
Living in the Present
What I do with today—this moment, even—is what's most important because I have learned from my life with MS that tomorrow will likely be different from today and different from what I expect it to be. I'd much rather grow older without multiple sclerosis. But if the choice is between aging with MS and not aging… I think you get my point.
Wishing you and your family the best of health.
Cheers, Trevis
Trevis’ new book, Living Well with Multiple Sclerosis, is now available. Follow him on the Life With MS Facebook page and subscribe to Life With Multiple Sclerosis on EverydayHealth.com.
Comments
Dear Nancy,
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MS DX in 2000. Not a great deal to suppose it could have been known earlier. Coming up on 70 next year. Pleased to say that some new exercises have helped me beyond what I thought possible. That is no small thing with MS. Discontinued DMT 15 months ago, rather on the fence about that. General not feeling too aged.
Well written Trevis! You’ve a knack for putting into words the physical, and cognitive, issues we MSers are experiencing as well.
I also feel as if I’ve been living in a much older body than my age.
Nuff said. Write on comrade!
I am going to try and make this into a poster, to read every morning!!
I need to adopt your philosophy! You are amazing! Always post things just when I need them!
Cheers my friend!!
The most heartwarming real conservation in the then the now and the maybe 🤔… beautifully written and touching
Thank you for sharing Trevor
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