Last year I was asked to speak at a meeting of health advocates and influencers from around the world. I had spoken at this particular meeting a decade ago and, though a good bit of preparation and travel would be required, thought it might be an interesting event to revisit. Then I told the organisers what I wanted to talk about… let’s just say we didn’t make it a 10-year reunion.
The topic I felt important enough to jeopardise my going was one we’ve seen creeping its way into the online health community. That topic? Toxic positivity.
By definition
First, what is toxic positivity and how can being positive be a bad thing?
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA):
“Toxic positivity occurs when encouraging statements are expected to minimise or eliminate painful emotions, creating pressure to be unrealistically optimistic without considering the circumstances of the situation.”
There is nothing wrong with a genuinely positive outlook on life, repeating a helpful mantra to get through a rough patch, or cooking up a bit of “fake-it-until-you-make-it” stew to get us home and hosed when MS calls at an inconvenient time. In fact, it’s something of a go-to coping mechanism for many of us with chronic illnesses. But when does genuine turn toxic?
Harmful not helpful
Kristen Howard from the University of Southern California’s Counseling and Mental Health Services in Los Angeles says,
“Toxic positivity, by its definition, requires that we only focus on the positive aspects of a situation, causing us to minimise or altogether dismiss the sincere pain that we or someone else may be experiencing.”
The general rule is that if one is happy, positive, or hopeful that things will change or get better—even though we acknowledge that things are difficult—that’s genuine positivity. It becomes toxic when we tell ourselves (or are told by others) that we must focus on real or perceived positives while denying that we may very well be in a pit. Research shows that this toxic form of something good can make handling life’s rocky patches more difficult rather than less.
If we don’t leave room in our lives to experience real difficulties as they present, we are setting ourselves up for more difficulties in the future. By ignoring challenges, rather than facing them, it can lead to underdeveloped coping strategies necessary for dealing with anxiety, stress, and even tragedy that will occur in each of our lives at some point or another.
It reduces—if not dismisses—real emotions and experiences. It invalidates our fears. It can make us feel less-than because we can’t seem to maintain a level of positive thinking and emotion that we (or someone else) drill into ourselves, like we’re doing something wrong if we don’t feel like everything is alright all the time.
Lasting damage
The results of toxic positivity are broad. It can suppress how you feel, making stronger emotions harder to deal with. It can also lead to shame and isolation as you hide your authentic self.
Defaulting to kindness
Just as “at least it’s not fatal” is not helpful to hear when someone is trying to console a person learning they have MS, some people don’t know that the positive vibe they are projecting is, in fact, a toxic cloud.
“Look on the bright side” holds no empathy for a person in a vulnerable place. “Stop whining” is not what we should tell ourselves when we are feeling pain.
If we hear ourselves saying these phrases in our head when we’re less than 100%, they may have been placed there by someone else. We must be kind to ourselves and others, and we should accept no less than that from those around us.
Toxic positivity validates nothing short of emotional perfection in coping. It makes no room for pain, anxiety, grief, or sadness. It says that you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way and that if you feel differently, then you are failing yourself and those around you. It is anything but kind in a world that could use a good deal more kindness.
Responding to the toxicity
Not everyone who exhibits toxic positivity knows it. Perhaps it’s just their way of trying to help. In those cases, a few suggestions for dealing with them might be:
• Acknowledge that they’re trying to be helpful. Most of the time, people who use toxic positivity are trying to be supportive and they’ve just missed the mark.
• Explain how what they said affects you. People who use toxic positivity often don’t realise how hurtful it can be. Usually, it’s enough to tell them that what they’ve said doesn’t feel helpful.
• Suggest what they can do instead. Let them know whether you just need them to listen, would like advice, or could use specific support, like dropping off dinner.
If you find yourself defaulting to versions of positivity that border on toxic, remember these phrases:
• That sounds hard.
• That sounds really tough.
• I get why you feel this way.
• I would be upset too.
• I’m not going anywhere.
• I’m here for you.
• I’m here with you.
Wishing you and your family the best of health.
Cheers,
Trevis
My new book, Living Well with Multiple Sclerosis, is now available. Follow me on the Life With MS Facebook page and subscribe to Life With Multiple Sclerosis.
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