Grace Kavanagh and A Better Me?

Better Than What?

My next issue with this blog title is; better than what? Better than the person I was when I was diagnosed or better than the person I would have been if I had never gotten MS. How could I ever know? 

I was 26 when I was diagnosed, I was young and had just graduated with my degree. I was starting my career as a software developer, but I didn’t get to live much of that life before it was impacted/ derailed by MS, so I don’t know what that person was going to become. There was potential though which I regret not having been able to explore. There is a certain bitterness that will always be present because of this. My choices have been limited by MS. So, I won’t be following this line of thought either (that way madness lies) 

Am I a Better Me Today Than Yesterday?

Another approach I considered is - Am I a better me today than yesterday? Who wants that kind of pressure? We all have days when we barely move from the sofa with or without MS, so let's not go there. 

What Does "A Better Me" Mean?

Given these caveats, what does “A better me” mean? I choose to look at life as a series of occurrences and hurdles that you deal with and learn from. Nothing stays the same; we must evolve and react to what goes on around us. We all find coping strategies to deal with this constant change.

Coping with Change

In my life with MS, I have found that ‘change’ is more common and insidious than I had ever considered. I am experiencing a lot of change and progression in my MS. This brings with it a lot of anxiety, uncertainty, and frustration. These are changes I need to deal with and incorporate into my life for however long they last. I have learnt over time what works best for me to stay sane. I have put together a toolkit that seems to work for me, but these too need to evolve and change. 

I have already mentioned mindfulness, this has been important for me, and it might be as simple as taking a second to stop and breathe when I’m frustrated. Rather than deep complex meditations I think of it more as a frame of mind where I can step back and take stock or just be quiet and not react. 

I also use distraction techniques to stay sane. When life gets too much and I don’t want to deal with anything I play a game on my phone, watch YouTube videos (mostly cats), or watch snooker. Looks a lot like procrastination or avoidance if you’re not careful or if you overindulge but let's stick with distraction for now. 

I have learned to prioritise certain aspects of my life. I have come to the conclusion that it is the people in my life that I value the most and that give me the greatest pleasure. My husband, family and friends are what matters so I place my focus and energy on spending time with them. 

Evolving Through Experiences

No one is the same as their 26-year-old selves with or without a diagnosis of MS. We all grow up and evolve, life gives us challenges and experiences that fundamentally change us as we grow. I may not like some of these experiences but my reactions to them have taught me a lot about myself. 

Building Resilience

I am a far less reactive person than I was and a lot more resilient than I would have given myself credit for. I would much rather have lived my life without MS. I would prefer to be able to walk and control my bladder. Saying all that, I am proud of myself for handling my life the way I have so far. I enjoy my life, there’s a lot to be grateful for. I guess the question winds me up, I told you I was bitter! 

A Different Me

Am I a better me? Physically definitely not, psychologically? Depends on the day, maybe? Definitely different anyway, maybe I'm more comfortable with 'A different me.'

The views and opinions expressed here are those of individual contributors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Multiple Sclerosis Society of Ireland. Whilst every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the information provided, the editor is not responsible for any error or inaccuracy contained herein.

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