Grieving can make you so angry. It comes in different forms; it can frighten you because you lose control like you never would have in a previous life.
Anger is one of the stages of grief that we find ourselves re-visiting. It can be a difficult stage of grief that can creep in at any time. We can find ourselves grieving and angry over our lives pre-MS.
You can find yourself alone at night, crying over feelings of worthlessness, plagued with self-doubt and questioning what your purpose in life is now. Sometimes you can even find yourself grieving the old you who didn’t get angry very often.
We feel that anger can take control of our thoughts about life, ourselves and others around us. MS can take a lot away from you, so you become angry over the lack of freedom and spontaneity in your life, when every-little-thing must be planned.
“I don’t even have the satisfaction to even walk out in an argument or drive off to calm down. My legs don’t work so fast anymore; MS cognitive issues took my car licence and my career so I am always coming back with my tail between my legs (so to speak).”- Mary
You think about what you’re putting your loved ones through because they are also suffering, watching you from a distance. Sometimes you’re so angry with them you’re watching them thinking their life is going on without you. Deep down you know they have their own demons, that they’re trying to come to terms with the possibility of losing Mum or Dad or their partner. Losing the one they knew before the disease took hold. All you want is to be that person again.
You can become angry when looking at friends and people your age- thinking they are doing GREAT things with their lives and you feel left behind. We know, we know... life is not a race and we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. But for us it’s only natural when you’re living with a chronic illness. You can even find yourself getting angry with the people who “know that one other person with MS”. They tell you stories about how an “all green diet can cure MS”. Yes! CURE MS! This can make you so angry because if someone has met one person with MS... they know it all. Despite me knowing no two people with MS are the same.
“Now, when people tell me about their miracle cure, the anger inside me turns to laughter and I just think to myself, if only I ate more lettuce, broccoli and peas, I’d be cured…. Not only that but I’d be carrying this miracle cure and making millions. Why didn’t I think of this before?!” -Christina