MS and Bargaining

This week Katie St Lawrence talks about MS and bargaining with doctors, the universe and herself.

Katie St Lawerence
Katie St Lawrence
11 Jul 2019

I was only 21 when my  journey with MS started. At first, doctors thought it was a trapped nerve. After months of testing they started to think it was MS. When MS was mentioned to me, this is when my bargaining started.

At one of my first ‘major’ hospital appointments when the doctor said worst case it maybe Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I remember sitting silently and staring at him thinking “oh god anything but MS, please anything but that”

Bargaining with the Doctor

Until my next appointment, I used to have this thought every day. After an MRI showing lesions my new neuro wanted me to have a lumbar puncture to confirm the diagnoses. This led me to try and bargain with the doctors ...... due to my past major fear of needles I started to scream, cry and beg her to think of something else. She wasn’t as open to my idea. Then I put my bargaining face on and said “well I’ll have the lumbar puncture done if I can be knocked out” to my surprise she started to bargain back and said “you can have some sedation but chances are you will still be awake” as you can imagine I did not like the fact that she didn’t accept my first bargaining offer, so I asked for time to think about it. She agreed and in the meantime signed me up for another MRI .

Bargaining with the Universe

 I gave up bargaining with the doctors and I started to bargain with the universe. The first thing I tried bargaining for was  to do anything or take anything  rather than have that lumbar puncture.

To my surprise, at my appointment the doctor informed me she would not need to carry out a lumbar, as the latest MRI scan showed further lesions, which meant they could now confirm my  MS diagnosis.

That night I lay in bed and cried my eyes out and I bargained with the universe..... Well more like told the universe,and in between sobs said “right you have given me MS for the rest of my life, I’m only 21 what have I done to deserve this! You better send me something good to make up for this‘.

Bargaining with Myself

Now my bargaining with my MS has gone from bargaining with the doctors and the universe to bargaining with MYSELF.

I now bargain with myself on the little things to help battle the MS fatigue.The bargaining comes into play on such things as- Katie if you hoover your room you can sit down for 5 minutes or Katie if you get out of bed now you can go to bed early tonight.

Bargaining has always been apart of my MS journey and now it still is but just in a different way.